


Guilt

by Clinical_awesomeness



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:06:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21852658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clinical_awesomeness/pseuds/Clinical_awesomeness
Summary: He was the black sheep of the family. No one acknowledges his existence but that did not matter to him. He wished that his twin to disappear from his life. It came true. Years later after the death of his twin, Remus manages to escape from a fatal accident when a trailer collided into his car. Unfortunately his best friend and lover, Logan did not survive. Remus blames himself over the death of his two beloved person as guilt slowly consumes him bit by bit, what happened when he reached his limit and shatters like a fragile glass. He has lost his heart, he searched for it. Will he ever find it?
Relationships: Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6
Collections: Sanders Sides Secret Santa 2019





	Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> Hello,  
> I hope you enjoy the first fic of angst/comfort and have a happy holiday 
> 
> p.s there is a lot of angst in this one so I recommend skipping to the next chapter for now if you need something more lighthearted.

That evening, during the rush hour traffic, cars began moving through the intersection and making turns. Each driver on the road heard the faint sound of a siren, it came louder. In their rear-view mirror, they could see an ambulance blasting up the emergency lane behind them, screaming wildly, and lights flashing madly. It came to a halt at the forefront of the intersection. Cars slowly stopped on each crossing and moving to the side lane as the ambulance sped off into the distant, towards the closest hospital.  
A motionless body, a once fair-skinned teen, is now losing its colour as its fades each second, matching the white sheet on the stretcher. His crimson bangs fall over to the sides, covering his empty glazed eyes. Half of his face was covered with an oxygen mask; his breaths came in deep and shallow. Medics profusely try to stop the blood from oozing out from his wounds.  
He could hear the ambulance siren. He could listen to the medics giving out orders to one another. He could see a blurry mop of sky blue hair next to him. He could hear someone voice telling him not to give up. He could feel all his senses fades away. Slowly, darkness crept from the corner of his eyes as the views getting further and further.  
"I'm…tired…just...let…me…rest…"

The heart monitor beeps silently as it breaks the sullenness in the room. Wires patched to his body. Oxygen mask has not been removed from his face for the past three days. His chest heaves to each of his heavy shallow breathing. His eyes shut tightly. Both of his wrists were heavily bandaged. Several worried eyes watching him from outside of the room through the mirror.  
"How's he doing?" a worried boy in his teen looked at his friends as she took a seat next to him in the waiting room. She shook her head slowly, she sighed. Feeling exhausted as she leans against her best friend  
"I'm sure, one day he will wake up…" her light blue eyes sadden. The boy next to her can only smile at her for being strong. He held her hands dearly as he wraps his other arm around her.  
From afar, both (Talyn) and Joan) looked at the two worried friends, feeling sad for them. (Ethan) then made his way towards the drinks machine down the hallway.  
"Remus will wake up…I know he's not weak, we all know he's not…we can't afford to lose another of our friend…" (Ethan) bit his lower lip.

Remus~~why did you left the door unlocked?" Ethan asked as he enters the apartment. His eyes searched for the smaller teen.  
"Remus, are you here?" he looks in each room until he heard sounds of water flowing. Following the source of the noise, he ended up in the main bedroom that belongs to no one but Remus himself. He walks towards the bathroom, wanting to turn off the water if Remus is not at home, but he was wrong, completely wrong.  
"Remus!" he shouted, his orbs as wide as a saucer.  
On the cold hard floor in the bathroom, lies their former captain on a pool of blood that oozing out of his two wrists. A small knife lies next to him. Akashi was completely pale and cold. Quickly, Ethan ran towards the latter and pulls him into his arms, trying to wake him up. His hands were trembling at the amount of blood flowing.  
"VIRGIL, HELP ME!" he screams into his phone that is drenched in blood after his hands touched Remus.  
"Oi, stop yelling into my eardrums, I can get d—" he was cut off.  
"REMUS, REMUS IS…GET AN AMBULANCE!"  
Virgil orbs widened in disbelief upon hearing the blond. His lips parted as the phone slips of his hands. Joan, who was busy looking at the magazines, noticed the frantic voice from the fallen phone on the floor.  
"Virgil…?"  
"Joan, call the ambulance. Tell them to head to Remus place NOW" Virgil grabbed his jacket and speeds out of the house, running towards Remus apartment.

~Remus~  
I'll stay asleep…to find my heart…  
Where did my heart go?  
When I was little…I used to blow bubbles…  
Larger…and …larger…  
I wasn't a genius or talented…  
The talented one was my older twin brother, Roman…  
He could do everything.  
Everything…  
they were all so proud…

"It's our neighbour" he smiled as his small hands were held gently by his mother.  
"Roman is such a smart boy!"  
"I'm so envious of you!"  
"He's nothing like our son."  
"I wished my son would become more like Roman."  
"What did you do to make him such a handsome boy?"  
"He got so many good traits from both of you!"  
"He's such a pretty boy, I bet he's already a heartbreaker!"  
The neighbours' praised his brother in front of him. He felt left out.  
Mama loved hearing those words…  
His mother let go of his hands and walk towards his older twin that emerged from the bedroom.  
"Mama…?" he calls out but was ignored.  
"Roman, people praised me again saying you're such a good boy!" Then she remembered the smaller boy. She forced a smile on her face.  
"Remus, you're a good boy too!"  
He knows her smile is fake, she praised to him are false.  
I'm always just an addition…  
Mama cares only about my brother because everyone praises him…  
It doesn't matter if I'm here or not…  
Would that be me if my brother wasn't around?  
If only he wasn't around…if only he…  
That's it…all he needs to do is disappear…  
He should just go…

It was both him and his brother birthday. Roman, has received many presents while Remus only received one. However, his brother saw this when he was unwrapping the gift in his room.  
Seijuro felt so fortunate upon received a small octopus toy.   
However, at that moment, His brother barged into the room and loomed over him, grabbing the octopus.  
"Brother, that's mine…" he tried getting the toy back. Roman glares at him.  
"This belongs to me. I am better than you" Ro pushed the younger down to the floor and left the room with the toy going Remus to cry.  
That evening, Remus quietly sneaks into his brother room. Looking for his toy, he quickly made his way towards the cupboard upon noticing the toy sat on one of the shelves. He did not realize, his older twin is now at the door.  
"Remus, What are you doing?"  
Remus steps back, as his brother glares at him. Like a predator that wants to devour its prey.  
"I'm just taking back what belongs to me!" he hugs the toy onto his chest.  
"What are you doing?!" Roman slaps him in the face, causing him to fall. Remus orbs widened at his twin act.  
"Don't touch my stuff without MY permission!" he picks on the toy and puts it on a higher shelf.  
"This is mine. Going through someone room without asking…only the worst kind of people would do that!"  
"But…"  
"This is mine; never touch it without my permission. You heard me?!"  
"Now, LEAVE!" Roman orders and Remus left the room with a heavy heart.

My brother hates me…  
It's because I'm not a good boy…  
It's because I'm the worst kind of people…  
But why…?  
I'm sad…  
My brother has everything, and I have nothing…  
I just wished he disappeared, forever.

His wish came true. His brother passed away after being hit by a car.  
During the funeral, he approached a photo of his brother that lies on the table.  
"Big brother…?"  
"Is it because I wished that you are dead?" guilt starts pooling in his small heart.

In the real world, both of his parents looked at their unconscious son, worriedly. They noticed their son pain expression. They knew, nothing they or the doctors can do…it was up to Remus to wake up.  
"Hun…a long time after Ro passed away, Remus became just like his older twin before he passed away. He suddenly was doing very well in his studies…"  
Her husband nodded as he turns around facing to his wife.  
"Back then, …we was happy thinking that Roman came back to us. Shouldn't we have thought more about how Remus felt?"  
"Remus has a lot of good traits, which are his alone. We became snobbish after being called the parents of a genius" he felt guilt.  
"Did Remus really like studying? I don't think he hated it but…lately, I've thought that he might want to play more."  
Tears pooling on the corner of her eyes. Feeling terrible for what they did to their sons as her husband pulls her into a hug.  
"We failed as parents…"  
She turns to face where her son lies. Praying to heaven that one day her beloved son would wake up.

~remus~

Where did my heart go?  
When I was little… I used to blow bubbles…  
Larger…and…larger…  
Yes, I was always blowing bubbles…  
In our garden…with soapy water and a straw with a cut at the end…  
Who made that soapy water?  
Who cut the end of that straw?  
Mom…?  
No…  
It was my brother…  
Yes, I couldn't blow bubbles unless I used the soapy water and straw that he made…  
"Re, try blowing it" Roman passes him the glass of soapy water and a straw.  
"Sure!" He happily took it and starts blowing the straw as it produces a small bubble. It became bigger at each huff. The bubble floats away. They both smiled upon their experiment.  
"You can do it too" Remus handed over the glass and straw.  
"But I'm not good at it" he chuckled.  
"There's something you can't do?"  
"Of course."  
"You're the best at blowing bubbles because you blow it kindly, I can't do it, they always burst," he said then turns around to blows the straw. The bubble grew larger and larger.  
Suddenly, it burst. Remus shuts his eyes upon the burst. When he opens back, his brother is gone.  
"Big brother…?"  
"Big brother, please come back!"  
He won't come back…  
He is dead.

His eyelids flutter open, he stares into the white ceiling above him. His crimson eyes have no shine, it was empty. He turns his head to the side. Several people were looking at him worriedly.  
Why…?  
"You're awake!"  
"Remus!" the blond male approached him, followed by a purple-haired tan male. The two older people quickly rushed to his side. He looks at them.  
Three words they never expected to hear from the green-haired boy, which looked like an empty, broken doll. With a hoarse voice and dried lips  
"Who are you…?"

"Who are you?"  
"Remus, it's us. Virgil and Ethan, don't you remember us?" Ethan was on the verge of tears. Virgil pulls him away from Remus, letting the red-haired parents a space for their son.  
"Remus…please remember us" the lady pleaded.  
"Doctor, did he lose his memories?!" the older man quickly went towards the brown-haired doctor that just entered the room.

Talyn checked his friend carefully. They frown. "Remus, do you know recognize any of us in here?" they asked, hoping for an answer.   
However, Remus remained expressionless. His empty eyes shifted to each of them. Who are you…? And who am I…? Who? Who am I…? His eyes stare into the nothingness.   
Talyn shook Their head. Virgil looked at the red-haired patient. "Remus, please at least tell us, you remembered logan!" he gritted his teeth. 

"We know you have been blaming yourself for the two deaths you have faced in your life. Please remember!"   
Logan…? Who is it? Why I have to remember this Logan…?   
Two deaths…? What are these people talking about? I don't understand… I don't know what they mean…   
"Logan died… remember? So is your twin brother, Roman" the older man continued. He cried. I remember… Roman is gone… Why is this person crying…? I'm the one who is sad… 

"Remus, LOOK OUT!" shouted upon, noticing the incoming trailer from his side. It was too late. Remus did not manage to drive the car away from the incoming van that crashed into them. The last thing he saw was a dark blue-haired male looked at him in panic before everything went dark. The sounds of ambulance rings into his head, blood spilt everywhere.   
He survived. Logan died. Without notice, a pearl of tears escaped from his empty eyes down to his expressionless face. Tears…? Tears in my eyes …? Why…why am I crying? Ah…I remember now… logan died… It was my fault… He died… Just like my brother… It was my fault… They died. 

It was days later, the doctors have discharged Remus from the hospital. His parents brought him back to the main house. He remains blank. No one knows what is he thinking or what he wants to do. Just like a robot. He stares into the nothingness all day long each day. Even when Virgil and Ethan drop by, he only replies with a word or two. 

I'm empty Because I don't know where my heart is…

"Remus, it's time for dinner" the lady that calls herself as his mother taps on his shoulder gently. He turns around. His mother looked surprised upon seeing those empty eyes looking at her like a stranger. She smiled. "You don't have to force yourself to remember everything…slowly one at a time…" He did not reply as he turns around, looking at the photo frame that hangs on the wall. I should be the one that died, not them… He walks around the house.   
The maids bowed at him, but he ignored them. His gaze falls on a photo frame in his room, a photo of him and Logan, smiling at the camera. 

Lo-lo, you should stop frowning   
Remus, let's get some vanilla milkshake   
Logan, we will be together forever…right?   
Remus…I love you.   
His tears fall, his eyes widened. For the first time after weeks, his expression broke. "Logan…."  
"Remus, the maids prepared some tea and cakes. How about you have some?" his mother knocked on the door. No answer. She opens it and the tray she carried dropped out her shaky hands.  
Akashi is missing.   
In the empty streets, he saunters, walking to an unknown destination. Where is my heart…? I want to find my soul. I want to search for my soul. His steps stopped in front of a basketball court. He saw a ball at the corner of the court. He picked it up. What am I trying to accomplish by searching for my heart? If I found it…will Logan and Roman come back…? Will I be free from this guilt..? No…it's a selfish reason…they won't come back… That's the reality I don't want to accept… Roman is dead. Logan is dead. I killed them… My brother, who I hated the most Logan, who I loved the most… I'm the worthless one here…   
Empty me, petty me   
But I'm so hurt by Logans' death… What if I died?  
Remus falls onto his knees, he looked at both of his hands, both are trembling under the heavy rain.  
Logan would surely be sad for me  
Logan might be the only one sorry for me, despite what the others claimed about logan's roboticness he was one of the most emotional people he knew...  
"And still, I …" his tears start dropping.  
"I lost Logan to my carelessness!" he cries as he raised his head facing the raindrops.

"Re, please don't blame yourself for what happened…it's...not your…fault…" Remus struggles to keep his eyes open, His breath came in shallow.   
"DON'T LEAVE ME LOGAN! THAT'S AN ORDER!" an order that that logan could not obey. Remus's tears fall like rain, his heart begging to the heavens not to take logan away from him.  
"Remus…" Logan's hands slipped off Remus grip. Slowly it falls to the side. The heart monitor rings in a long beep as long flat lines appeared on the screen. His chest stopped heaving. His eyelids shut close. His bangs fall to the side.  
"LOGAN!" Remus cried.

Remus falls forward to the ground, his tears dropped onto the hard sand along with the rain. Then he noticed someone in front of him, shines bright yet so warm. His eyes widened.  
"Logan…"  
There standing, Logan He smiled as he crouched down.  
"Remus…I'm delighted that I was your partner, Because you are so kind, But kindness alone isn't enough You have to become stronger, or you will be overwhelmed by the guilt you have kept in your heart."  
"My heart…I have lost it…but I'm searching for it" Remus replied.  
"No, Re…It's right here. It belongs to yours only and doesn't run away…" logan puts his palm on Remus's chest, right where his heart is. He smiled.  
"What has happened was not your fault…Romans' death…my death…it was never your fault…Remus"  
"I was lying when I told myself I didn't have anything…it was easier to think that way…it was easier to hate my brother…I was escaping from reality all these while…" Remus mumbles, upon realizing what he has done all these while.  
Logan cupped Remus cheeks with his warm palm. He smiled.  
"Remus…I have never been happier than spending my life with you…I have never been happier that you are the last person I see before I died…I love you…thank you for being there for me…" pearls of tears rolls down his cheeks as he slowly fades away.  
"Where are you going, moonshine?" Remus frantically tries to reach for him, but he was too late.  
"Goodbye…Remus" his voice echoes. Soft orbs disappear into the rain.

"Remus, WHERE ARE YOU?" several voices calling for him as it got closer and closer. He heard familiar sounds approached him.  
"Remus, what are you doing under the rain" Ethan panicked as he quickly took off his jacket and wrapped it around the latter while Virgil covered both of them with an umbrella.  
"We were worried for you; your mother called saying you disappeared!" Virgil looked at his friend.  
Is logan the only one who's happy about mine…?  
No…not at all…  
Virgil and Ethan drove him home, where his parents wait for him. His mother is in tears, while his father hugged her, calming her down. Upon noticing Virgil's car in the porch, they quickly got to their feet and went towards the vehicle.  
"Remus!"  
"Where were you?"  
"We thought you would kill yourself again" his mother cries.  
Remus expression was empty until he saw those tears of his worried mother and father.  
She's crying…  
Mum is crying because I disappeared…  
"Mum…"  
Tears roll down, his parents were shocked. Both of them looked at him. His expression broke. Shine has returned to his empty crimson eyes.  
"What did you say…?" his father tried to confirm it.  
"What did you just said? 'Mum'?" his mother asked.  
"Did you say 'Mum'?" she hopes for a miracle to happen.  
"Mum…thank you for giving birth to me…" Remus continued as he cried. His mother hugged him as she burst.  
"You remembered us!" she cries.  
"I'm sorry for making you worry…Dad" His father can only smile as he pats Remus head gently.  
Virgil and Ethan exchanged looks. Felt relieved after a long day.  
I can say this for the first time…I am happy that I am alive.


End file.
